AmandaPandaBear: 2008; Year of the best and worst days in my life

You might want to get a drink and some popcorn…this ones just a little long.

2008 was the best and worst year of my life. There were 2 life changing events that happened. So we'll start with the best day of my life.

My due date, April 15th, came and went and no baby. So being a anxious first time mom, I called the one person who I know would know what to do...my mom. Seeing as she had 5 kids I was sure she had a few tricks up her sleeve. First she suggested riding a 4-wheeler over every bump I could find. Well we didn’t own a 4-wheeler so her second suggestion was to walk. So every night before dinner I would walk, at least 1 mile more if my hips could take it. Since 40 weeks is like the finish line my OB decided that if my little man didn’t come on his own a week later I’d have to be induced. So that week came and went Cody and my Mother-in-Law, Deborah, drove me to the hospital to be induced. It was 6:00 pm when we checked in. the nurses hooked me up to all the monitors and asked me “Do you feel that?”, “Umm feel what?” I had no idea what they were talking about, were they sticking me with a needle? Then the nurse looks at me with this look on her face like I was some sort of weirdo “Your contractions are 5 minutes apart and pretty strong.” Holy crap! I was in labor, the walking did it. I didn’t feel a thing so I though hey maybe this whole labor and delivery thing won’t be so bad. Yeah, I was totally wrong! I made it till 3:00 am and id had enough, I wanted an epidural, and no one told me how bad an epidural would hurt! No woman in her right mind would ever get an epidural by choice if they weren’t in agony from contractions!!! So between the contractions which were 1 minute apart and lasted a minute they gave me the epidural, and when they are shoving this needle into your spine you want to straighten your back but of course you can’t cause then you’ll be paralyzed, so they have either your husband or a nurse hold you down. Once it was said and done it was totally worth it! I didn’t feel a thing. At 4:00 am my water broke. Then 6:00 am came and went, I was dilated to 6 cm…only 4 to go, and they say the last centimeters are supposed to go the fastest. 9:00 am came and went still at 6 cm, what the hell is taking so long? At 10:00 am my OB said if I don’t dilate anymore in 2 hours they’d have to do a C-Section since my babies heart rate was dropping. Well I didn’t want a C-section, I wanted to be a real woman and do this vaginally, like all the strong women before me who did it without medication! Well noon came and sure enough I was still at 6 cm and baby still hadn’t even “dropped”. It turns out I have a narrow birth canal….just like my grandmother who had 5 C-Sections. They put up the blue curtain; Cody came and sat by me holding my hand and the camera. Then they made their incisions pulled baby out, and when I heard that first cry I started crying. Until you have a baby you have no idea what that moment is like, that moment you’ve been waiting months for. That moment you get to see what you’ve been growing inside of you. That moment you know your life will never be the same. At 8 pounds, 4 ounces, and 20 ¾ inches I had a healthy baby boy. Aiden James Stewart. When they stitched me up and finally laid him in my arms I fell so madly in love. If you don’t believe in love at first sight, you obviously aren’t a parent. It’s crazy how the moment you see them and hold them you know instantly you’d give up your life for them, you really would take a bullet for this tiny little person, and you realize you are a mommy lioness. That protective instinct kicks in and you are on high alert. No one and nothing is going to harm your precious baby. He was mine, and I would never give him up. Cody was so great! He changed all the nasty diapers while we were in this hospital; he took Aiden for walks around the maternity ward so I could rest even though I’m pretty sure he needed rest more than I did. I know he was nervous about becoming a father, but he’s a-natural! Seeing a father and his newborn son is like seeing God, a magical moment that you’ll remember forever. That was the best day of my life. I’ll always remember every detail about that day. I was a Mom.

The weeks after that are a blur. Tired, hungry, laundry needs to be done, the house is a disaster, but all you care about is your baby. Changings and feedings every couple hours, then nap, and everyone tells you “when baby sleeps, mommy sleeps” wish I had listened to that advice. Instead I cleaned and did laundry and everything that didn’t need to be done. I was exhausted. 3 months after Aiden was born I had lost all the weight I’d gained during pregnancy. Sweet, I am back to pre-baby weight. I was however still having blood in my stools, which for most pregnant women means hemorrhoids. So I went to see our doctor and she gave me some meds for hemorrhoids. It worked for a little while, but then things got worse. I was extremely tired, I wasn’t hungry, I stopped producing breast milk, and I was constipated…or so I though. 6 months after Aiden was born things were horrible. I didn’t eat, I was down to 105 pounds, 20 less than normal, I was throwing up. So back to the doctor I go. She asked me to give her a stool sample and I laughed at her, since I wasn’t able to go poo it was impossible for me to give her a sample. So she did some blood work instead. A week later she called and said she wanted to schedule me for a colonoscopy. Oh great, that sounds like fun. Which takes us to the worst day of my life.

November 17^th 2008, the day before my colonoscopy. If you’ve ever had one you know that you have to drink this horrible tasting drink. A gallon of this nasty salty drink that would make your intestines as clean as a whistle! You’re supposed to drink 8 ounces every 10 minutes! Oh my god, how in the hell could anyone do that? So I drank as much as I could stand. Me and the toilet became very good friends that night. You have to drink this nasty crap until you shit clear water! I’m not joking, you literally shit water. November 18^th, 2008. The day of my colonoscopy, I arrived at the hospital and asked if my “stool” was clear, I said “yes, I am shitting water, thanks for asking” the nurse laughed. She told Cody he’d have to wait in the waiting room until I was finished. So they take me back, I have to take everything off and put the hospital gown on. Then I lay on the hospital bed, she hooked me up to the monitors and put an IV in. she said they would inject some medicine that would make me relaxed but wouldn’t put me under. Sure enough 30 seconds after she injected the medicine I felt like I was floating on a cloud, so I decided to take a nap. Next thing I know I’m in the recovery room and Cody is sitting by me. The nurse checks me out, I’m fine and says the doctor is going to come talk to us. The doctor had a worried look on her face. Then she says the words no one ever wants to hear “Umm, there is no easy way to say this so I’m just going to say it; you have cancer”, and I guess the expression on my face made her say “You already knew that didn’t you”. She was right. I’ve always been good at predicting things…or guessing things. I always know what sex someone’s baby is going to be, I’ve never been wrong. I always listen to my “gut” and I’m never wrong. I knew it was cancer. I just had “that feeling”. I remember going home and just crying. Cody did his best to console me but how do you tell someone it’s going to be ok? What was going to happen to Aiden? Would he grow up without knowing his mother? What about Cody? Would he be able to deal with losing his wife? It’s funny, I was the one dying and I was more worried about everyone else. My mom, my siblings, my aunts and uncles, and cousins, and grandparents…I had no choice but to fight as hard as I could so they wouldn’t have to suffer my death. The worst part was calling our families and telling them the bad news. Hearing their reactions was just too much for me. The “Oh my Gods” and the “WHAT?!” or the sobbing was just too much. So the next few days were full of appointments with other doctors and specialists. Since none of these doctors have ever dealt with a 22 year old with stage 3 colon cancer they really didn’t know what to say. We went over options and what everything meant. Stage 3 means that the cancer has grown outside the colon walls but hasn’t spread so we had to act fast. They (the doctors) wanted to do radiation, then surgery, then chemo. Unfortunately radiation meant no more babies, but if we didn’t and did chemo first we could “make the tumor angry” and it could grow or spread like wild fire. We talked a lot and decided we both wanted more kids so we did chemo first. My first appointment the oncologist, Dr. Kallick, went over all the side effects of FOLFOX (my chemo). I wasn’t excited at all. The only upside was that most people on FOLFOX didn’t lose their hair. 2 round of chemo later, I guess the tumor really did get “pissed” it got to the point where I couldn’t even pass gas, I felt shaky, and sick, and just not right. I took a bath which usually helped but nothing made me feel better. So my father-in-law Clyde took me to the emergency room. I got in pretty quick, they took me back and I explained what was happening, the nurse felt my abdomen and ran out of the room, a doctor came in and told me I needed surgery right away. So I was rushed into the operating room, they told me I was very lucky I didn’t wait any longer to come in, my intestines were 3 cm away from exploding, I almost died. I woke up to a colostomy. This for those of you who don’t know, is when part of your colon sticking out of your abdomen. I think I cried more when I saw that. Fine just one more obstacle I’d have to deal with. We went ahead and started the radiation treatments. 6 weeks, 5 days a week. Cody took me to every appointment. There were 2 nuns that volunteered there. They’d sit in the back waiting room talking to everyone who came into that place. They were so upbeat and nice; it made going there not so bad. The effects of radiation: diarrhea, a “sun burn” where the radiation was given, scar tissue, and infertility. The ones that still remain: scar tissue and infertility. So I did the 6 weeks of radiation therapy, then they did a PET scan, the tumor had shrunk significantly. Good news for the surgeon. A month after my last radiation treatment I was scheduled for surgery, which happened to be the day before our 3^rd wedding anniversary. This is also when Cody’s boss fired him and said we had to move out of the company house in 2 weeks! I will never ever forgive this asshole! I’ve got cancer, we have no family or friends in Colorado and he’s kicking us out a week before I’m supposed to have major surgery! So that weekend we went to Longmont and looked at every apartment we could. Of course we didn’t have money for a down payment or anything, so we called everyone we knew, and my Grandma Struzyk gave us a large chunk of money, and I don’t think she knows just how much I appreciate that and I will never be able to thank her enough. So I began packing, March 12^th came and we headed to the hospital for a 4 hour surgery. The doctor came in and explained the procedure, they weren’t sure if they would be able to reverse my colostomy or not. I kissed Cody and Aiden and I’ve never been so scared in my life. Not knowing if I’d wake up or not, just made me sick to my stomach and I puked on the way to the OR. I woke up 4 hours later in the recovery room, colostomy still there, but I made it out alive. They were able to get the whole tumor and got enough tissue around it to make them comfortable. It was a very painful recovery. They made an incision from my belly button down to my C-Section scar. I also had a tube with a bulb at the end to suck out the fluid that my body was producing to replace the tissue that was taken out. I had to empty it when it was half full, and then had to squeeze it to make suction. It hurt to sit because they had to sew up my anus…that’s right I have no anus. They had to take out so much tissue and muscle that they weren’t able to repair it. It hurt to move having your abdomen cut open is hard on your body. A couple weeks later I had a post-op checkup where they took out the tube. I think that was the worst pain I’ve ever felt! This tube has a triangular tip on the end to prevent tissue from clogging it. They didn’t give me any sort of anesthetic, nothing! The nurse said “you ready?” I said “I guess” and he just pulled this tube out of me, I could feel it twisting around my intestines, and out my abdomen. It felt like my insides were on fire!!! OH MAN!

Another month after surgery and we were ready for my 12 round of chemo. It was every 2 weeks. I’d go in, get the main chemo, then have to take home a pump that injected me with more chemo for the rest of the week. All the while I was still working. I’d work the day before my chemo, on Wednesday id go in for my treatment, and then I’d be home the rest of the week. The next week, when I didn’t have to get chemo I worked all week. Which I thought was pretty amazing considering how sick and tired I felt. Apparently my bosses didn’t think so. I got a counseling statement because I missed too much work! Are you serious? Do you know what chemo does to a person? I think it’s pretty badass that I’m working at all and you’re going to tell me I’m missing too much work. I got down to 90 pounds. I looked like a skeleton. My immune system was destroyed, and I was anemic. They had to give me an IV of iron, which made me more nauseous than the chemo did! The last few treatments were the roughest. I slept all the time, I was really weak, and I had neuropathy really bad. I had to postpone 2 treatments because my blood counts were too low. I was brought basically to the brink of death. It’s funny, the cancer was killing me and the chemo was killing and making me better at the same time. It’s amazing what you can endure if you have the right mind set. Aiden and Cody were my biggest reasons to fight for. I had to fight so my son would grow up with his mother, and Cody definitely needed his wife. The side effects of chemo: weight loss, neuropathy, nausea, diarrhea, metal taste in mouth, decrease in appetite, decrease in immune system, loss of bladder control, “chemo brain”, and hair loss. The ones that remain: neuropathy and “chemo brain”.

I don’t remember the exact date of my last chemo treatment but it was a great day. 3 months after my last treatment we did a CT scan. Cody was there with me. This was the day where we find out if the cancer is gone; I was so nervous I felt like puking. The doctor comes in and I am sweating like mad! Then he looks at the scan and notes, and says “It’s gone!” OMG I held it in. I wanted to scream with happiness. He says we will continue to do scans every 3 months, then 6 months, then every year, and then every 5 years. I didn’t care, all I kept hearing was him saying “it’s gone”. We got into the truck and I lost it, I started crying and laughing. Cody was looking at me like I was crazy but I could tell he wanted to do the same thing. I was cancer free! All those days of puking, and being sick as a dog, not being able to play with my son, having a colostomy for the rest of my life, was sooooo worth this moment. I called everyone on our drive home and told the best news they’ve heard since my son was born. I can look in the mirror today and look at a survivor. I did the impossible, I beat cancer!

The effects from cancer are still there. I have 7 surgery scars, I have neuropathy in my hands and feet, I have a permanent colostomy, I have “chemo brain”, and my emotions are still all over the place, but I’m alive. I will get to see my son on his first day of school, I’ll get to see him with his first crush, get his license, go to prom, graduate, go to college, get married and one day have kids of his own! Things most parents take for granted, I thank God I’ll be able to be there. Cody and I celebrated our 5^th anniversary this year, and we will be able to celebrate our 10^th when we renew our vows, and our 20^th, and 30^th and 40^th, and 50^th, and hopefully we will live long enough to celebrate 60 years together. I’ll be there every birthday, every Christmas, every anniversary and holiday.

Cody doesn’t know how much he held me up. He was so strong when I was so weak. He cleaned me up when I puked; he has seen me at my worst. Cancer is hard on a marriage and a lot of them end up in divorce. It’s still hard on us. The love we have for each other can’t be weakened or broken. If we can survive cancer together we can survive anything.

A lot of people ask, how cancer has changed you, besides the obvious physical changes, I think the mental and emotional changes are the biggest. It’s the simple things that bring me happiness. Watching Aiden grow and use his imagination, the taste of food, the hugs and kisses from Aiden, the long conversations me and Cody have when the world is asleep, the way he looks at me, the way he says I love you, the way he kisses me so gently but so passionately. The secrets me and my sisters share, the jokes between me and my brothers. It really is the little things that count, not how big your house is, not what kind of vehicle you drive, or the kind of clothes you wear. Not what you drink, not the shows on TV, but the small intimate moments you share with the ones closest to you. Cancer doesn’t just affect the patient but everyone they know. I know a lot of people have admired how strong I am, but you all gave me a little strength to keep going. All the get well cards, and flowers, and prayers, they all helped. I didn’t know just how many people were worried about me; I can’t even begin to count the people who prayed for me. Thank you all!!!

My name is AmandaLea Carol Stewart, I am a cancer survivor!

me after surgery